Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president, Mr. Smith called him into his office. He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off. Dave looked at Mr Smith and said, Barb is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I dont know who to fire. Ill tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow, Mr. Smith replied. The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up. Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her, Barb, Ive got a problem. Really? What's wrong? Barb replied. Well you see, Ive got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do? Barb replied, Jack off! Ive got a headache.
A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90 year old woman. They hit it off right away. After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, You know, were past our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just hold my penis in your hand. The woman seemed surprised, but said, Well, I guess it wouldnt do any harm to just hold it. So, for the next few weeks, they could always be found on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the mans penis in her hand. One day the old man didnt show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out in search of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the old manwith another woman. The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding the mans penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, I thought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, and shes holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I dont have??? The old man looked up, smiled, and saidParkinsons.
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, Father, Im 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year-old girls. Both of them. Twice. The priest said: Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession? Never Father, Im Jewish. So then, why are you telling me? Are you kidding? Im telling everybody!
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike. "Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, we are almost on the begining of the 21st centrury, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "Ive tried that many times - it never worked."
A wealthy man sat in his attorneys office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"the lawyer asked."Give me the bad news first.""Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.""Thats the bad news?" the man asked incredulously."I cant wait to hear the terrible news.""Its of you and your mistress."
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